For a long time I considered myself one with good boundaries. After all, I did speak up and stand up for myself. But then I realized that boundaries are much more than that. In my very personal relationships, I had a tendency to take on the feelings of others. I felt like I was responsible for others and their feelings. Talk about a formula for burn out! Once I recognized my pattern and identified when this pattern showed up, I began setting better boundaries.
Boundaries are an important piece of our emotional health. They define where we end and where others begin and our emotional and physical space separate from others. Boundaries are influenced by various factors such as culture, gender and life experiences. Extreme positions in boundaries such as ones that are too inadequate or too rigid can create psychological issues. Lack of healthy boundaries can lead to abuse, taking responsibility for the feelings and actions of others and losing our own sense of identity. When they are too rigid, they keep individuals in isolation.
In this video, I discuss 4 ways to help you build healthy boundaries.
- Look at your childhood, what was your upbringing like? How did your family interact with one another? Did they respect your space? Did they give you too much space? Did they miss out on providing you with support and guidance? Did you bear a lot of the responsibilities for your family?
- What are your relationships like today? Do others tend to control you? Do you need to be in control and like to be in control of situations and of others? If you like to be in control, your boundaries may be too rigid which can lead to isolation. On the other hand, if boundaries are too lax, others will take advantage of you and you will deplete your energy quickly.
- Think about what you are not willing to compromise on. Do you have a plan to help you stick to this and ensure that others respect your boundaries? Do you communicate your boundaries firmly? Others may not like it, especially if these are recently enforced boundaries. They may challenge or test them, so you’ll want to plan to ensure that you keep your boundaries.
- When you feel like others are not respecting your boundaries, how do you respond? Do you communicate your boundaries clearly and directly? Are you assertive? Aggressive? Or do you withdraw?
These 4 steps will help you create and maintain healthy boundaries. Setting them can be difficult especially if this is new for you. Others, especially those who violate your boundaries, will likely challenge you and your newly defined boundaries. Boundaries are like muscles, they need to be built up gradually and with practice. And please remember to be gentle and have compassion for yourself.